Who's that sitting on your shoulder?

Have you ever thought about doing something, only to hear a niggling inner voice telling you why you shouldn't – or that you can’t?

"You're not good enough."

"You'll probably make a fool of yourself."

"You're too old / young to do that."

"You've never succeed. Don't waste your time."

'He / She will never be interested in you."

Sound familiar?

Sometimes it can feel as though there's a little creature sitting on your shoulder, ready to question your every move. And while this creature might not actually exist (well, I hope it doesn't...), the things it tells you can have a very real influence on your life.

Welcome to the world of limiting beliefs.

So, what exactly are limiting beliefs?

Whereas Imposter syndrome (there's a blog about this too!), is often about doubting achievements or abilities you already possess, put simply, limiting beliefs are assumptions we make about ourselves, our abilities or our circumstances that can restrict what we believe is possible. They can stop us ever even attempting something because we've convinced ourselves that we'll fail.

Limiting beliefs might concern our intelligence, appearance, relationships, career prospects or our ability to cope with change.

And here's the interesting thing. We don't necessarily recognise them as beliefs.

We accept them as facts.

"I'm terrible at meeting new people."

"I've never been creative."

"I couldn't possibly change careers now."

But are these things actually true? Or have we simply been telling ourselves the same story for so long that we've stopped questioning it?

Where do these beliefs come from?

Sometimes they can be traced back to childhood. Perhaps a teacher told us we weren't particularly academic. Or a parent, however well-meaning, discouraged us from taking risks.

Sometimes they develop through experience. We try something, it doesn't work out, and we decide we're simply not capable of doing it.

And sometimes we absorb expectations from the world around us about what people of our age, background or circumstances should and shouldn't do.

Over time, these messages can become part of the way we see ourselves.

The trouble is that a belief formed years ago might still be influencing decisions we're making today.

And something that might once have been true doesn't necessarily have to remain true.

Is that little voice always wrong?

Not necessarily.

Self-doubt isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it encourages us to prepare properly, think carefully or recognise when we need more experience. It can stop us being foolhardy – and make us take stock of the situation before doing something dangerous… or something we’d regret… and that’s a good thing.  

And sometimes there are genuine obstacles to achieving what we want.

The important thing is learning to distinguish between a reasonable concern and an assumption that's holding us back.

For example, there's a difference between thinking "I don't have the skills to do that yet" and "I'm simply not capable of doing that."

One recognises a challenge. The other shuts the door.

And that's where things can get interesting.

What happens when we question the niggling voice?

Imagine you've been offered an opportunity at work, but immediately think you're not up to the challenge.

Instead of accepting that thought, what happens if you start asking questions?

• Why do I think I'm not capable?

• What evidence do I have?

• Have I succeeded at something similar before?

• Am I confusing being inexperienced with being incapable?

• What might happen if I gave it a go?

These questions don't magically remove uncertainty. But they can help us look at a situation from a different perspective.

And sometimes that's enough to make us reconsider what's possible.

Where does life coaching come in?

One of the things coaching can help with is recognising the beliefs and assumptions that influence our decisions.

Because when we've been thinking in a particular way for years, it can be difficult to recognise that there's another way of looking at things.

A good coach won't simply tell you to ignore your doubts, think positively or throw caution to the wind.

Instead, life coaching provides an opportunity to explore where those beliefs might have come from, whether they're supported by evidence and how they're affecting your choices.

A coach can also help you identify practical steps towards doing something differently.

Perhaps that means challenging an assumption, trying something new or taking a small step towards a goal you've previously dismissed as unrealistic.

The important thing is that you're making decisions based on a clearer understanding of yourself, rather than automatically accepting what that voice tells you.

A final thought

We all have doubts. We all make assumptions. And many of us come to believe these thoughts.

The aim isn't to silence that little creature forever. In fact, it might occasionally have something useful to say.

It's simply about recognising that you don't have to believe everything it tells you.

After all, just because a voice is familiar doesn't mean it's right.

Now, perhaps it's time to put the kettle on and have a quiet word with that thing on your shoulder...